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Its been so long sense I've stroked the keyboard and sat down to compile my thoughts into words and to somehow organize my memories. I hate that I haven't been able to express my feelings or emotions here in almost a month.

It has been a chaotic time during these past few weeks and I don't even have time to begin today.

But I'll be back soon. Just you wait.

Misery of a Mystery

The misery of a mystery is found within the events and time in which the mystery is unsolved. The beauty and joy come from the final revealing of the last piece where a mystery becomes visible and satisfaction of completion sweeps in. But the final fascination of the final product is only possible with the willingness to endure the search while anticipating the end.

So correctly assumed, the more complicated the mystery, the more rewarding the prize; the more tenacious a mystery, the more beautiful the satisfaction and joy.

Therefore, the only possibilities it seems that anyone would quit a life of misery in pursuit of a mystery is if 1) the mystery seems too unbearable or 2) the end result is nowhere near rewarding enough.

Ah, but the joy of discovery is a privilege for "It is God's privilege to conceal things and the king's privilege to discover them." (Proverbs 25:2) And no matter how hard or "unbearable it seems, God informs us that nothing will be more than we can handle.(1 Cor. 10:13)

Its almost as if to explore the mystery is our job.

"To you it has been given to know the mystery of the kingdom of God..." (Mark 4:11)

God is the mystery; a beautiful completion of knowledge, truth, love, and reward that can take a large quantity of time, heartache, and self analyzing to understand and comprehend in a small portion. our job is to live this life discovering the beauty, joy, and satisfaction of who He is in all forms:

Through Jesus Christ, his emotions, his knowledge, his beauty, his imagination, his creativity, his perfection, his plans, and his finale.

The end result is far greater than any misery that has to be endured in a life discovering the mystery.

The most devastating account is that people, even with a reward of perfection, still fall away from a discovery of the life of Jesus, and focus on a life of the world. We have become blind and look towards others to help us through these tedious and wearisome chases instead of looking in the right direction. Men will only lead us astray. (Matt 15:14) Hards time will only become harder, and before the finale is seen we fall away. (Matt 13:21)

The reason for never truly understanding? Our methods are wrong:

"Call to me, and I will answer you, AND show you great and mighty things, which you do not know."( Jer 33:3)

Granted, a fight for a mystery with a reward so compelling as this will bring misery that seems unbearable in forms of mockery, persecution, and heart ache. ( Luke 21:12) But God gives confidence that this will turn out to be a good thing. "..It will turn out for you as an occasion for testimony."(Luke 21:13)

And although no reward seems worth any form of misery, when you do taste it:

a misery becomes a joyous thing.

" Taste and see that the Lord is good..." ( Psalms 34:8) "and without controversy great is the mystery of godliness."(1Tim 3:16)

And So It Begins...

Ahhh........... As I sit here alone in the hotel room anticipating a check-in, I can only fill my head with thoughts of this three month adventure ahead.

With Bon Iver playing in the background, and Will Smith on the T.V. screen, I don't believe I could be more satisfied with the day.

Excitement and fear are a beautifully intertwined mixture that leaves you bewildered and anxious.

When you become all to ready to leave home and ready for something new, you can sometimes not seem grateful for some of the things you left behind. There are so many people who I would never trade for anything; the ones who fulfill true friend status, and allow life to be enjoyable. I began to remember some of the great people in my life, so here we go.

My family is amazing: always have been there and never will cease.

The overflow crew: what a summer of people who strive for something more. who don't strive " to make a living, but to make a difference".

Patrick Callaway: for riding with me the whole trip for no other purpose but to give me company. And then fly right back to get to Denver.

Quirky blonde: you know.

The Riordan's: Music is our passion. What a great group of boys to play along with and then:

Jonathan and Marcus: the craziest friends you can have. We have stories galore and hearts for God. Music wouldn't be instilled in me without these two.

and the Swaggas: ha, nothing else to say.

Kindness.

I pray that I never write anything out of spite or directly aimed at someone intentionally, but something the other day caught my thought. So hopefully, this is not a slander but a general assessment that I saw through a few specific events.

I believe that their are two types of kindness. Both types portray the good act of kindness, but one has a secret motive of negative connotation. The first kindness is beautiful and real, full of thought and creativity with a touch of unconditional. It has no other motive but than the genuine care for people. It is honest, beautiful, and incorruptible.

This kindness is portrayed by people who do it for the mere love of humanity and others.

The second type, the mischievous kindness, has a reflection at first glance that can be mistakenly perceived as pure and wholesome. It gives a warm opening and is very aggressive(which can be a good thing) but this kindness is mostly due to "show." It is only acted upon due to a sense of responsibility; as if it is a gift for others that needs to be given. People who display this type of kindness act as if they are superior to others and believe that their kindness is a "need" for others. They place themselves on their own pedestals and judge aimlessly. They have all the right answers and barely make mistakes.( Except for the ones that allow them to be "seen" as humble.) They always correct with "kindness", judge with "kindness", and put their two cents in with "kindness." And if they speak to you, that "IS" kindness.

This kindness is the epitome of fake, and nobody needs fake kindness.

Jesus spoke of the love of God as unconditional. Something so powerful and great, we may never fully understand it. The kindness he gave, although far more greater, can be seen as a glimpse in the first type of kindness mentioned earlier. This type of kindness is based on a "want too" and not on a "have too."; a hidden ambition, not a showy display. Sadly enough though, Christian's these days portray the second. We place ourselves as better people who live purer, walk straighter, and act nicer. We are kind because it's our job, and we do it because it looks good on paper.

We've lost the Jesus way, and created our way.

Its the kindness behind closed doors that Jesus portrayed. The kindness that never stopped no matter the cost of popularity or status, or the length of time or effort. Kindness doesn't make people better than anyone, and isn't needed to be shown just because you are a good person.

It should be an all-across-the-board, non-selective, pure, behind-closed-doors, Jesus-portraying kind of life.

A lifestyle that doesn't fit into a mold, but expresses itself in love.

And so it begins......

Restless seems to be my only state of being, and it has lasted for quite some time now;accompanied wholeheartedly by awkwardness.

- Well, unless my awkwardness is one of my amusing personality traits, and not a state of being. Which is unfortunate sense "state-of-beings" have a tendency to wither over time. I follow the same mundane daily routine of boredom, similarity, and comfort. I stand with no true connection with any group and sit awkwardly wherever I go. My lack of social grace defines me. But I am happily content with who I am; its the person that I'm shaping myself to become that raises awareness.

That is why I believe that this trip, this new adventure, is a much needed experience. A chance to experience change; to fall away from the comfort of my life, and the dissatisfaction of where I am mentally.A small sabbatical from the norm to gain knowledge of who I am in Him, and to experience pure freedom;to create a stepping stone in a sleuth of building blocks for a future;my future.

Work in progress.....

This will begin at the beginning of my trip to MO.

A simple, thought-driven, stream-of-consciousness blog.

A journey of this wonderful opportunity.

This[blog] is not about the perfect writing or the pure beauty of a structured sentence. This isn't about the adjectives and imagery or the symbolism and metaphors.

This is the raw, the real, and the growing, Aaron Gilliam.